Apologize to a woman: A sense of humiliation or self-respect?

By Larbi Arbaoui

Morocco World News

Taroudant, July 3, 2012

In our daily life, we are subject to various shifts in our personality’s moods. Most of the time we’re driven by our emotions; and logical reasoning is the last thing we resort to when a problem arises in a relationship. We usually deal with our problems through our feelings, but feelings are often misleading and generally lead to amplifying the inner and egotistical side of a person. The feelings that may result from an attempt to express an apology to a woman is painful in oriental culture, and may invoke a sense of debasement for some men. But does this give men an excuse to ignore the feelings of women, hurt their feelings, transgress their rights and even step on their dignity? It is up to every reader to reflect on how he would feel, as a wrong-doer, when he has to express apologies to a woman, and to put oneself in the position of the wronged woman, waiting for a gesture of remorse that never comes.

The best way to begin the process of healing the rupture and rebuilding trust is for the wrongdoer to offer a sincere apology. However, “apology” is never as simple as the three words “I am sorry”. Unfortunately, some men do not only lack the technical ways of expressing their apologies, but they also tend to view apologies to women as a sign of weak character that is likely to deprive them of their dignity and high self respect. Instead of assuming the responsibility of their wrong deeds and rude behaviors, they seem to lay the blame on the other party. Even though they may admit to their selves that they are to blame, but to bow before their women and express their apologies is an act that seems sadly a far cry from reality, all as if they are in a perpetual war with winners and losers. The only losers are the men unable to do this, to express their contrition.

In our culture, many interwoven factors are behind the stiffness to express apology to a woman. In a society where familial ties are very close, the misunderstanding that may rise between a man and his wife, a girl and her brother or between members of the family is hardly to be kept among the two persons in question. Once a simple problem happens between a husband and wife, all the rest of the family get involved. Dismally, the problem goes from bad to worse just in a matter of days. The mother advises her daughter not to apologize to her husband so that he wouldn’t develop too much self-importance and arrogance. The father in turn may bar his son from apologizing to his wife on the belief that “Mol Ddar”, the master in charge of the family, never apologizes to a woman.

However, getting rid of these destructive ideas have to be the priority of everyone who aims to participate in building a cohesive society, one that maintains the rights and dignity of both parties. By apologizing and taking responsibility for our actions we help rid ourselves of esteem-robbing, self-reproach and guilt. We need to learn that expressing our apologies, as wrongdoers, is never a source of humiliation, but rather a bold act that is one of the most profound interactions of civilized people. A word “sorry” that comes from the heart is more powerful and effective in mending a broken heart, healing a wounded dignity and bringing back trust to the couple. Though words are only the beginning, it is a crucial first step.

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khalique rahman

I think it takes a lot of personal courage to admit one’s own fault and say an honest ‘sorry’ to the aggrieved, particularly when the ‘wronged’ person happens to be a woman no matter where she belongs in social status.
fairplay

yes, people got to have the guts, to dare say that sentence, to apologise…… this is in fact due to our social belonging and upbringing, our parents – due to their defected education too and other deeply-seated stereotypes concerning women and the way a man is supposed to handle any situation with the fair sex – have brought us in a way that expressing apology towards a woman is as hard as ever. we aren’t to blame therefore. still some of us have been able to overcome this defect and have become able to adopt newly found scientific behaviors while others have failed to do so.
anyway, “better safe than sorry”. as Muslims we are supposed to solve our earthly problems with each other, especially with the female, so that once we die we might be blessed and enjoy the blessings of Paradise.
fairplay

in our religion, a woman is supposed to be considered like a jewel, and therefore to be treated with total kindness and gentleness
just go back to our historical books talking about the Prophet and his companions and the way they used to treat and behave towards women
ld55

Larbi, the problem here is that people are being raised with these ideas since the time they are young children. For example, I taught early elementary grades and when one child did something wrong to another, we asked them to tell the other, “I’m sorry.” I found that even young students in this country (even five years old) are VERY resistant to saying this, and seem already to understand the same principle, that if they say they are sorry, they have “lost” power. It seems this society is focused on power.

When I first came here, my Moroccan husband told me not to say please and thank you to the maid. It has taken me nearly 20 years to understand this mentality. A lot of people who are workers are seemingly thinking a lot less about their work, their behavior, or the behavior of their employers, than they are about, “Who will be more powerful in this relationship, them, or me?”

I think the people who focus on this carry it into every aspect of their lives, as you have described in the family relations, above. I think this is a sad situation which is keeping all of this country from reaching its potential. Is this kind of thinking inevitable in a country where powerful elites rule?
mceupc

Dear Mr Arbaoui,

We have appreciated the sensible, serious tone through which you have approached such a relevant principle , highlighting its importance for a healthier and more dignified behaviour amongst people. Be it at a personal, family and social level, the heartfelt gesture of apologizing just has to be understood as a noble trait of one’s character, regardless gender, and whatsoever the individual’s walk of life.

Your insightful ideas will certainly help make the difference in your work environment and beyond it. Let us be hopeful!

Thanks for your article.