By Sophia Akdim
By Sophia Akdim
AGADIR – Who am I? What am I doing here? Why do I exist? … In a life less than perfect, in a world full of misery and shame, under a sky ashamed of what lies below, above an earth weak because of the overweight of the different creatures that live on and in it, I stand amazed by the beauty of the universe, and shocked by the ugliness of life. A mixture of strange feelings that drug me into a world of endless questions, I usually walk out unsatisfied with my curiosity unfulfilled, which leave harsh scars in my thirsty mind, in need of answers.
I usually wonder when I feel lost, not feeling whether I’m floating or walking, whether it’s real, or am I just daydreaming. I just have the impression that I’m moving, but maybe I’m dreaming. In fact, I’m turning around the same corner. I’m trying to ignore the meaning of life again just like I did when I was a little kid. I want to act happily; I want to be comfortable with this inexpressible comfort of feeling safe, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are. Chaff and gain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.
I wish I could roll back the clock and let the years go back to the age of innocence, when life was sweeter, seen through pink glasses, I used to be strong and ecstatic, but time attacked me, I fought back, but I was weaker I let it win. I still have unfixed scars everywhere. I feel that I’m growing softer after days…
I went to all the courts in the world looking for a term, that they say was implemented a long time ago ‘justice.’ Unfortunately all the courts accused me instead. All the judges said it was my fault. I didn’t speak loud when I was first attacked by time. No lawyer wanted to take my case, and no normal person wanted to listen to my story. I need to share it, but at the same time I don’t want to give someone the satisfaction of my loss, and defeat. So I refuse to cry, and held my tears, crushing to the ground, rising again, I’m building strength, gathering all the forces in the world, getting through painful experiences, getting up stronger than I’ve never been, thanking life for every single problem that has given me the opportunity to see better through me, and to see every difficulty as a new chance.
I still want to know if I can stay still. I’m moving on to a place I myself ignore, because the idea of waiting here suffocates me, paralyzes my hopes, and hampers any step I am thinking to take. I need a new direction to visualize rich high …. But once again I feel aimless. I feel it all coming back to me, all the attacks of life, all the deception which comes as a mist in a beautiful garden; a mist that impairs the sublimity of the hour; and again I loose what I’m seeking and the candle of hope melts again, dark thoughts dwell my mind and soul, I’m beseeching them to go away , as they’re pushing me away. This emptiness is stinging my soul. I’ve fallen apart. I’m no longer whole … I glance around. I step forward, breathe the last breath, smile with a deep wisdom for the last time, and jump from the balcony…
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