I did not want to lose him in the crowd

By Fatima Matousse

Morocco World News

Fez, December 24, 2012

I was in the crowd at night but it did not seem to be! Women wearing colorful clothes in groups, sometimes with their kids. I was so happy walking and enjoying every moment of that walk holding hands with a smart little girl! She was calling me aunty! I was full of energy though I had a very long stressful day at the village where I worked!

We decided to go pass the souk and see what it looks like at night, especially that it was the festival days. The city during these days moves from being almost empty to crowded and lively, full of outsiders mixed with inhabitants! Sometimes you can recognize who is who, but sometimes it is very difficult to do so! We entered the souk, started our walk with laughter sometimes being serious discussing life issues! We interrupt each other’s discussions to start another about what we see in the souk then we go with our thoughts to wherever the wind blows!

I felt a little sad thinking about my ex-boyfriend! I actually was thinking more about the emotional emptiness I feel from time to time! Sometimes it affects me so badly that I cannot sleep! And I feel a real pain!

We continued our walk until we got to the “second hand” place since we all love it! It is not only the fact that it is cheap, but also the feeling I have when I search in between those old things hoping to come across something valuable, but not in the point of view of the person who had thrown it away! It is the feeling of curiosity that always leads me there! We spent at least half an hour between joking and looking seriously into the old stuff!

Someone decided that we should move on since we also wanted to see the beach and walk on la varandilla! While coming out of the souk, my phone rang. It was Abdu, Malak’s driver a naïve, skinny, hardworking and very nice person who was treating everyone nicely! He was looking for us since we always joke together. At that time he had just arrived from Agadir and did not find anyone at home!

While talking, my eyes got stuck and did not move from looking to these beautiful, charming, strong eyes! It was only seconds but we communicated a lot of things! My soul got destructed and wanted to look again and again! It felt like a crazy thirst for water as if I had been in the desert for a long time without water. Suddenly while I was lying down, I felt cold drops of water falling on my hot and dry skin! I awake crazily looking for the source of the water… I hung up the phone! The little girl wanted to buy candy. We stopped and my eyes were looking for his eyes! He stopped as well since the little boy he was accompanying also by chance wanted to buy candy as well!

His eyes were directed to mine! I wanted to look but I could not handle his looks! I looked and I felt taken by him! I whispered to the girls that I like him! Then they started making fun of me! I did not want to move from there, I really wanted to stay there as much time as I could! I had to move, my principles were calling, my culture, I can’t do that! It is a shame I would seem like a cheap woman! I partly cared about that! I could not help not to turn to see where he was! The farther I get the sadder I become!

I almost gave up! But I turned again and found him following me! I smiled to him! He smiled back. Then I turned! I felt happy that he was there not far but not very close to me! I did not have to use words to communicate with him! I loved our communication! It is the first time I did what I did! The girls were giggling and started calling my name so that he knew it. I continued walking beside them! I wanted to be alone there! I wanted everyone to disappear and only him and me walking on that path and observe how our communication would evolve without the presence of anyone!

We passed by a café, male dominated, some of them were talking and some others were gambling, others staring at the people passing by on the street!

I waited since the little girl I accompanied said hi to her uncle! We were close to la varandilla. He walked pass me not even looking at me! I was disappointed and my brain had fallen into a feeling of confusion! I started walking and my cousin threw out this sentence: “though you are very beautiful, he did not care.” I smiled but was sad…. Then I started walking with the feeling of arrogance. I passed him again and looked at him with a different look mixed with a desire! We got to la varandilla, which is a path that leads you to the beach and also seems like a huge balcony where you can view the beach! Young, as well as old people hang out there!

Abdu tried to tease me by hugging me and saying loudly if anyone over here tries to talk to you, I will certainly kick his ass! And I ran away from him jokingly telling him out loud, you are married, leave me alone; I also want to meet someone! I looked at him, he smiled and his eyes were full of joy!

I continued walking and still heard their laughter and them making fun of us! He passed me again walking in a way as if he did not even care about me! I felt really disappointed. I wanted him too badly! If I ever lose him in the crowd that might be the last time I will see him again!

I stopped and tried to calm myself and observed him from time to time secretly while he became farther away and my eyes decided to communicate my feeling to the beach that was dark with the white waves with only few people out there!

I felt someone was coming into my direction! I turned and found him coming, talking to this little guy who I did not know! He said, “We are going to see Fatima. Tell her something and then leave.” He gave me a piece of paper and whispered in my ears, here is my phone number since we can’t talk over here, then left! I felt a relief but did not turn again! I started walking with a big smile in my eyes and on face! I told the girls that I got his number and his name is Nour Edine.